There’s no debate around whether or not sex sells; it does. And when it comes to entertainment, I’ll admit, I’ve been suckered into a watching a crappy movie or playing a video game, on the promise that there’d be boobs. I’m a dude; it’s what we do. But on that token, I also have standards.I’m old and wise enough to appreciate the quality of boobs and a sex scene, and not just quantity. I need a reason for the nudity and whatnot, in the context of the narrative, and that extends to video games.These examples just feel so sleezy to me. Buuuuut… I can’t say I don’t appreciate them either.
Dead to RightsThe StripperThis is easily one of the most disturbing strippers in video games. You can check out a video of her dance HERE, then tell me what you think.It’s like a disjointed zombie/puppet dance, and nothing movies. I get that video game boob physics aren’t realistic, but at the same time, none of her squishy bits move along to the music, which is a little unnatural.Plus having the chance to arbitrarily push buttons to make her move just seems awkward as heck.
Metal Gear Solid VQuietFemale depictions in video games have always been problematic, especially when it comes to dressing appropriately for the mission at hand. And while we can appreciate the beauty that Quiet brings to the table, and kinda fall in love with Stefanie Joosten who did the mo-cap, this depiction doesn’t age very well.It’s just far too pandering and in your face to really be sexy. It’s just a little too much.
Final Fantasy VIIThat Tifa CutsceneIf you’re familiar with Final Fantasy’s VII’s characters, you’ll recall that there are 3 models to each: a polygonated base one you play as, a detailed combat design and the uber-animated cutscene version.While I found some of the combat versions to be pretty badass and a little sexy, the cutscene versions are ludicrous, especially with Tifa.This is her combat. I’m a little scare-roused.
Here’s her cutscene. It takes the manga fascination with balloon breasts to an extreme level and makes it a little gravity-defying and sleazy.
Indigo ProphecyThe Sex SceneAdmittedly, this is an older game, so I can’t fault it too much, but this scene still haunts my dreams. Just watching these mannequin-like figures systematically rub against one another, without moving their faces, is creepy.Then, all of it is done from the top-down camera angle as you flick your analogue stick to simulate thrusting. This is the complete opposite of sexy.
Metal Gear SolidMeryl’s Ass WiggleWhat makes this scene remarkable, is the attention to detail. This is a fantastic game, and the environmental textures and lighting really shows that Konami wanted everything to look perfect.The same goes for Meryl’s ass. There’s the subtle hint of her bikini briefs under there, and the wiggle and jiggle of her ass is extremely voyeuristic, in contrast to the rest of the game.I just sticks out.
Far Cry 3Citra’s bodyThe whole character of Citra in the game is problematic. From the preview at E3 2012, which opened with the tribal leader getting felt up, to her pretty much walking around naked, whilst murdering people, it’s pretty cringeworthy.There’s really no narrative reason why she needs to be so naked. I know that sounds prudish, but c’mon… when you resort to gratuitous nudity for the sake of titilation, you’re pretty much announcing you’re not confident in the game.
Leisure Suit Larry SeriesEverythingOnce upon a time, this series totally owned what it was about. When Sierra was in charge of the game, it was merely a point n’ click game about a guy trying to bed as many women as he could.When a new developer took over, it was less about the lovable loser Larry, and more about half-naked chicks and a free-for all for digitally rendered boobs. Once upon a time, the game had some self-deprecating fun to it. Now, it’s no better than video game porn and Larry becomes more of a creep than anything.
Mortal Kombat 9Sonya Blade’s RedesignWhen MK first came out, what defined Sonya Blade was her athleticism and her basic outfit. It just a ponytail, sports bra and leggings, because she was all about kicking ass. That’s it.When this game hit the market, the reboot turned her into a slutty police officer, completely negating what she represented; a video game heroine that didn’t need to rely on her sexuality to be a badass.Now she’s a character in police cosplay porn.
Dead or Alive 5The Jiggle Physics and Private Paradise ModeIf there’s one game you can depend on for gratuitous boobs and physics that’ll make you seasick, it’s this franchise. And while most would take the outcry and tone it down, Tecmo went in the opposite direction.Starting with this game, the boobs are more bouncy and improbable, and you could even use your controller to make them move independently from the character. That was the OMG Mode.Then there was the Private Paradise, where you can customize your characters with clothes, sweat, dirt and boob sizes and make them crawl and perform for you. That’s sleazy.
Halo 4Cortana’s Naked RedesignThere really was no reason to do this. Sure, Cortana’s got a nice voice, but we shouldn’t want to fuck her.So when she appeared, it was insanely jarring and distracting that she was so hot.
Ride to Hell: RetributionThe Un-sexy Sex SceneThis game just takes sex to a low level. After you go and kill a guy who’s abusing his wife, her ‘payment’ to you is easily the worst sex scene in gaming.They’re fully clothed, yet totally disengaged with the act. It’s extremely disturbing.
Grand Theft Auto: San AndreasHot CoffeeSure, it’s a mini game and needs a mod, but still… moving your polygonal character in a rhythm to keep your excitement meter high enough, is very sketch.Sure, it’s tame compared to the other examples here, but CJ’s face is burned into my mind for eternity.
Mrs. Pac-ManHer LookThere’s no reason why she should be this sexed up. In the games he’s got a bow, but on the arcade cabinet, she’s got legs, lips and curves to make any prepubescent boy want to run to the bathroom.It’s like they figured they’d play the game more if she was sexy, than if she was just Pac-Man with a bow.For shame.