No matter how long you’ve been reading funny books, it always takes you by surprise to find sex in comics. Even if you’re not a square comic books are the one place you never think of as containing explicit sex scenes, but there’s a lot more of them out there than you would guess. Like a whole lot more. As much as you think you can relegate surprising comics hookups to indie fare like Black Hole or Blankets, there’s actually a lot of sex being had in mainstream titles. Indeed, there was a lot of weird comics sex happening in the ’80s for some reason (that reason is 100% Alan Moore). If you’re having trouble thinking of any comic book sex scenes then make sure your parents are out of the room because it’s about to get steamy all up in your computer.
More so than any other medium, comic books are able to convey a multitude of emotions with their sex scenes. Whether they’re trying to bring two characters together in a meaningful way, have something silly happen, or just show a couple of impossibly built, Spandex-clad characters blow (heh) off some steam – comics can accomplish all of those things, and occasionally all of them at the same time. The comic book sex scenes that you’re about to see range from emotionless bang sesh’s penned by Frank Miller to some of the most pathos filled panels that have ever been created. Just try to keep it in your pants while you read along.
The Green Goblin Pumpkin Bombs Gwen Stacay
Well, this is just a big bowl of yikes. Sins Past, from 2004, is one of those story arcs that makes you wish you could forget the whole thing happened. For some reason, writer J. Michael Straczynski thought it would be great if he revealed that Gwen Stacy had cheated on Peter Parker with the Green Goblin (Norman Osborn). Not only did that crazy train leave the station, but she was also pregnant with twins who grew up to fight Spider-Man.
Anyway, the nightmare of a sex scene comes after MJ tearfully recounts how Gwen swore her to secrecy and that she only found out because she overheard Stacy and Osborn arguing about the custody of the children while they were taking care of Harry after he “overdosed on LSD.”
Batman’s Burning Love
In All-Star Batman and Robin, the Boy Wonder #7, written by Frank Miller, Black Canary watches as Batman dishes out street justice to a bunch of thugs while pummeling them with vaguely homophobic patter (“So’s this, sweetheart,” and “Sleep tight, princess.”) while carrying a running inner monologue about how sexy she thinks the Dark Knight is.
Weirdly, she also she talks like a character from a James Joyce novel: “Before I can even catch my breath, they’re a bunch of bleeding, burning heaps, they are.” Immediately after Batman bat-punches a bunch of guys to near death she runs over and straight up f*cks him on a burning pier.
Colossus’ Savage Savage Land Three Way
After crash landing in the Savage Land, the X-Men run into a whole heap of new experiences. Notably, Colossus loses his virginity to two pink women with mohawks. Bruh.
In a comic that’s mostly Wolverine fighting Sauron while Storm lies around in a bikini, the last thing the readers expect is for a pair of Savage Land babes to deflower a young Russian metal man.
Buffy And Angel Fly Around And Bang A Universe Into Existence
By the time Dark Horse’s Buffy Season 8 rolls around, it’s been years since Buffy and Angel have seen each other. Buffy’s in England leading the charge against vampires and demons as per usual and Angel is off brooding somewhere and being handsome. But then he shows up in the middle of a standoff that Buffy’s having with an entity named Twilight and explains that if they have a bunch of sex they can actually become in tune with the universe.
It sounds like a line of baloney but then there’s a 10 page sex scene (it actually might be longer) that takes place in the background while the rest of the Scoobs try and figure out how to actually beat the bad guy outside of f*cking him to death.
Believe it or not, it’s really hard to explain a Dr. Strange storyline from the ’70s in which he and Clea (his helper/lover/wife/daughter of Dormammu) travel back to 1775 and she ends up having sex with Ben Franklin. Basically, the two of them travel back in time to study the history of the occult and wind up bumping into Franklin. Cool. Fine. No big deal.
But while Strange is off doing Dr. Strange stuff, Franklin puts the moves on Clea and they bone. That happens. When Dr. Strange returns, Franklin says that he’s now engaged to Clea – which would be crazy if not for the very next piece of information – it’s not actually Ben Franklin that boned his paramour. It’s really Strange’s nemesis Stygryo, who was pretending to be Franklin to mess with Clea. Can’t wait for that storyline to make it into Dr. Strange 2: Everyone Gets Their Money Back.
Dick Grayson Couldn’t Even Be Cool The One Time He Had Sex
In Nightwing #135 Dick Grayson, the former ward of Bruce Wayne (does he ever not have someone as his ward?) recounts losing his virginity to an older woman named Liu. Liu was a corporate saboteur who used him to infiltrate Waynetech, directly after explaining to Grayson how he’s such a wuss that he sent money orders to the people whose car windows he smashed in while pretending to be a bad guy. They don’t call him “Too Cool” Dick Grayson for nothing.
Aunt May’s A Widow In The Streets And A Freak In The Sheets
In Amazing Spider-Man #592 Peter Parker has just returned from an alternate dimension where he was helping the Fantastic Four do something sciencey. Let’s say they were fighting King Nebulon. Unfortunately, a few hours in an alternate dimension equals two months in Parker’s world, so he’s a little out of the loop when it comes to his Aunt’s lovelife.
After learning that J. Jonah Jameson has been elected Mayor of New York City, Spidey kicks his do-goodery into overdrive to drive the newspaper magnate crazy, but the moment he decides to take a break at Aunt May’s and grab a shower he discovers his sweet Auntie getting dirty with Jameson’s father. It looks like both Parkers are trying to stick it to a Jameson and get stuck by one, respectively.
What Does Batman Keep In His Utility Belt?
The first panel of the first issue of the DC’s New 52 Catwoman series begins with Selina Kyle in a lacy bra, so audiences really shouldn’t have been shocked when she got all sexy with her frenemy the Big Bad Bat later on in the comic. But when you see Selina Kyle and her cats narrowly avoid being firebombed, then read on as she murders a Russian gangster, you really don’t see a fully costumed sex scene coming. It’s not what one would call a classic method of storytelling. And in case you were wondering, she says Batman tastes like metal. Gross.
Buffy Slays (In Bed)
It’s already been established in the Buffyverse that Buffy Summers is sexy sex lady (that’s a technical term) who knows all the best moves. By the beginning of Buffy Season 8, she’s leading an army of slayers-in-training, and monologuing about how she misses sex in her spare time.
Luckily, one of her trainees, Satsu, is all about hopping in bed with the Buff. But here’s the thing: the audience finds out about Buffy and Satsu’s clandestine sexy time with Xander when he walks in on the two in a post coital afterglow. To quote our one-eyed audience surrogate: “Oh merciful Zeus.”
Swamp Thing Makes Plant Love The Only Way He Knows How
There’s absolutely no way that anyone could see a sex scene featuring Swamp Thing coming, it doesn’t matter what the previous panel is. There could be an entire page dedicated to Swamp Thing reciting an epic poem about how he’s going to lay a lady down on his bed of magnolia leaves and readers would still be shocked when it actually happened. The thing is, the sex scenes in Issue 34 of Alan Moore’s Swamp Thing might be the most sensual boning in all of mainstream comic history.
After her estranged husband falls into a coma, Abby Holland grows incredibly close to Alec Olson (Swamp Thing), until they’re both professing their love for each other in a back water swamp. When they decide to have sex, Alec grows a large tuber and implores Abby to swallow its meat. When she does so she begins a psychedelic journey that’s stronger than any kind of intercourse she’s ever felt. Their acid trip of a bang session lasts for the rest of the comic and ends with the immortal line, “Does this mean we’re going out?” Alan Moore, you charmer.
Batman Makes A Baby
In Mike W. Barr’s Batman: Son of the Demon, fans finally gets to see Bruce Wayne and Talia al Ghul get down to the business of making their own brooding, angry ninja child. But every panel leading up to the sex scene makes you think that Bruce isn’t into getting frisky in print.
He even asks if they should be married, which is kind of dorky for a guy whose cover is billionaire playboy but whatever. Talia informs him that they’re already technically married thanks to her dad pulling some al Ghul nonsense on them a few years earlier. That’s all Wayne needs to hear before he strips down and gets to business. The dirty, dirty bat-business.
Jessica Jones Doesn’t Hold Anything Back. Anything.
On page 12 of issue 1 of Alias, the stellar comic that follows the detective adventures of Jessica Jones, there’s a very intense sex scene. It’s so intense that after reading it you begin to wish that there had been a line of dialogue like “Hey we should go have very painful sex, does that sound good?” Or “Would you like some sex ma’am? I’m quite good at it.”
Literally anything would have been better than what we got. Instead, the panels leading up to the heartbreaking sex scene are full of Jones and Luke Cage chatting about how work stinks. Ugh work, well time to go slam our superbodies against each other.
Cut To: John Constantine Being Straddled By A Demon
Here’s all you need to know about John Constantine: the guy is constantly having sex. Constantly is the wrong word, but he’s completely driven by sex. Constantine: The Hellblazer #1 opens with the occult detective naked and covered in blood, and it only gets better from there.
After ducking into a chip shop for a pint and some lunch he starts flirting with the hunk who runs the place only to be dragged away by Blythe, a demon who runs an art gallery, to her bed so she can shag his brains out faster than you can say, “Keanu Reeves was a poor choice to portray this character onscreen.”
Dr. Manhattan Likes To Get Weird
Leave it to Alan Moore to juxtapose a shot from a comic book inside of a comic book (Tales of the Black Freighter) where someone is caressing a statue with the above panel wherein Doctor Manhattan in having the strangest three way ever with himself (plural) and the Silk Spectre. It’s a fascinating visual, but also very confusing if you’ve never read Watchmen.
The unwanted menage a trois becomes even worse when the Spectre learns that Manhattan has actually been working outside the entire time she thought they were having sex. Or maybe she was just upset he didn’t make it a four-way.
Deadpool Is One Bad Mother – Shut Your Mouth!
In 2013, Gerry Duggan and Brian Posehn were running behind on their Deadpool scripts so they had to publish an issue of the comic that was never meant to run. Or maybe they just decided to have fun with a fourth wall breaking character. Either way, there’s a super swinging ’70s sex scene that breaks out about two panels after Deadpool is locked in a pimp’s game room with the daughter of a woman he’s sort of kind of hired to save. It’s groovy baby.
The Sex Criminals Teach You To Love Yourself
Okay, so in a comic book called Sex Criminals, you’re going to get a few sex scenes. That’s just a given. It’s safe to say that in the 15 issues of the hilarious and groundbreaking comic there are at least 30 to 40 sex scenes, but they’re so gorgeously rendered and full of pathos that every once in a while you forget that you’re reading a comic where two people pretty much bang and rob banks.
But this scene in particular is so out of nowhere that it gives even the most jaded reader pause. To be frank, it’s a time-stopping masturbation scene that directly follows a teenager getting the crap kicked out of him by a bunch of bullies. You rarely expect floating ejaculate, but you really don’t expect it after someone gets their face rubbed in dirt.