9 Video Game “Rewards” That Humiliated Players –
Video game unlockables are supposed to be lovely little bits of content that act as rewards to players that put the hard work in, or who’ve seen things through to completion. For the most part it doesn’t even matter whether the content is essential to the game – like an outfit or a new gun skin – because the act of unlocking it has been fun, or the bragging rights are enough the justify the effort.
However the items on this list, well they don’t play so nice, and in fact are “rewards” in name only because what they actually do is end up embarrassing or even going so far as to take the piss out of those who unlock them. These are the monuments to wasting time and testing patience and it’s here today that I display my findings to you all. You’re welcome.
9. Dirge Of Cerberus – Double Jumping
So this one isn’t so much a “reward” that’s unlocked, and more one that was added in as a bonus feature for the US and EU versions of the game. For the most part there were a lot of beneficial tweaks to the aiming and even how Vincent moved, with more options to dodge and feint around enemies.
Yet, when it came to the double jump, the devs overlooked one tiny teeny little detail. You see, when you add in a feature like this you should probably check to see whether the game’s architecture was changed to support it as well, e.g. being able to jump over walls and reach ledges thanks to this new elevated leap.
Well, they didn’t, and the double jump provides nothing at all, leaving you infuriated as you’re clearly getting enough height to clear a wall, but remain blocked from doing it. It’s a small annoyance, but one that’s magnified when you see how many shortcuts this would open up if you could use it properly.
8. Watch Dogs – Spec Ops SMG-11
Watch Dogs 1, outside of all the bluster around performance issues was, in places, a really fun action game, allowing a lovely balance of tech-based stealth and offensive options. One of the highlights was seeing these two elements combine in the gang hideout sub-missions.
In these, you had to take down goons and prime targets, as many had little twists and interesting layouts.
It was kind of like playing Hitman within Watch Dogs, and tantalisingly, the game mentions a reward for bagging all the baddies in these 15 areas.
Well. I hate to break it to you, but that reward sucks, as it’s the Spec-Ops SMG-11 – a gun which – while admittedly being fast firing – is something you can already buy for a palty 22 grand at most gun stores. It was incredibly disappointing to unlock, seeing as you’ve most likely managed to cap these challenges without one.
It’s like the game shrugs its shoulders and says “well, you had your fun doing them, so be content with that.”
Outrage I say.
7. We Love Katamari – Song For A Rose
Awash in outstanding visuals, We Love Katamari is a game for all the family, made even better by the soundtrack – which as you’d expect from a game in which you end up rolling cities around scooping up ships, is utterly bonkers and amazing. Yet, if you find yourself thinking “Boy I sure would like to unlock a NEW song to add to this ear orgasm” well friend, I’ve got news. You will need a MILLION roses to do so.
Yes, that’s right, one million roses to unlock ONE new song. Now to be fair, it’s a banger, but one million?! That’s insane. Even the king has something to say about this, noting “we’re rather impressed. Such a pointless exercise”, although he does say afterwards that it was to “teach you to never give up”, and “face your problems head on.”
6. Resistance: Fall Of Man – Skeleton Skin
As you might expect from a first person shooter, there were of course many challenges to overcome in Resistance, (and by “challenge”, I mean “things to shoot in the face”), plus several difficulties to do it on. The hardest of which was Superhuman, which only the mad would try and tackle. The game also supported a multiplayer and rumours circulated that there was a great skin to be unlocked for this mode if you could beat this ungodly difficulty.
And in truth there was: The skeleton skin. However, as you might be able to see from the lack of an image, this skin was ditched from the game almost immediately.
The reason why this boney boy wasn’t in the game for long was because other players found it difficult to trigger his unlock at all, leaving devs Insomniac to take him, replacing with a generic looking soldier. So now, any time anyone completes the game and gets this dude, just remember the soft pie in the face they’re receiving from the devs.
5. Godus – Literally Nothing
Here’s a sorry tale of the man who often speaks in tall ones: Peter “I swear one day I’ll stop making this up” Molyneux, and his game, Godus. Or should we call it HIS game? As I remember, the whole premise of Godus was that while many players are mucking it out, slaving away and working hard to unlock features, one player would be the “god” of the game. And I don’t mean the god of the server, I mean the god of the entire game, able to do whatever they wanted, alongside receiving a share of the profits.
That pleasure fell to one Bryan Henderson, who won the gift of the god in 2015. What a reward, right?! Money and power?
As you might expect with the father of all well-intentioned lies, Molyneux and his team didn’t deliver on these deity-fuelled desires, and Henderson received no notification or anything resembling a reward. Then in 2017, Stinky Pete revealed that the game had made no money and therefore Henderson wouldn’t receive a penny.
4. Jak & Daxter – Secret Ending
Jak and Daxter is one of many peoples’ favourite PS2 platformers, and it’s not hard to see why.
The controls are so tight and the gameplay so appealing that it’s a joy from start to finish, yet what I really mean is finish in the regular non 100 percent fashion as that’s easy to accomplish and ties things up nicely. However if you decide to go through the game and collect every power cells, which you’re informed you need to unlock this door, in quite on the nose fashion I might add,then you’ll unlock the “secret ending”
And what happens?
The door opens, the gobby weasel says “what is it?!” and then you look at a blinding white light, and then cut to credits.
I’m sorry what?! You’re telling me that this cutscene which has taken hours to unlock amounts to… well, absolute Jak? Pathetic.
3. Dragon Quest Heroes – Experience Orb
As you might expect from a game based around grinding more slimes than The Blob at the Club, experience points are often hard to come by, and will see you replaying the same missions over and over, or farming areas to buff up your chosen party. “Well…” says the game, “how about we give you an experience orb known as the Elevating orb that increases any experience earned by 5%, sound good?”
“Yes” said much of the player base, wiping their sweaty brow from all the button mashing. Here’s the twist though: You’re going to have to beat Atlas, who is about as easy to get over as Mount Everest in flip flops.
It’s easily the hardest fight in the game, which means in order to best the beast you’ll need to be in the high levels anyway, therefore a reward of an item that increases experience gained sounds pretty useless, doesn’t it?
And for those of you thinking that you can just carry it forward to a new game plus, you’re right, but the orb only gives minimal defence, so you’ll be trading a tiny increase in exp for taking huge damage if you get hit. Brilliant.
2. Golden Poop – Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild
Yes, it’s true that for turning in 900 Korok Seeds to Hetsu gets you a rather shiny and rather smelly gift.
The best/worst part is, the devs intentionally did this to rib the player. Speaking to IGN, Hidemaro Fujibayashi said the following:
“We just kind of thought it would be funny to make that a big joke. It’s just the backstory, in the game the whole way is that the Korok Seeds are actually Korok Poop.”
So while it’s clearly just a little joke, maybe the devs could have done it in a way that didn’t require hours of searching just for a poo pun.
1. No Yoshi Unlock – Super Mario 64 DS
Mario 64 is a platforming game that many would consider to be the greatest… on the N64. It’s a fantastically realised game with interesting levels, insane amounts of replayability and a charming allure that still sees it regularly top lists around the world.
However, Super Mario 64 DS messes with the formula a bit, and for the most part its fun changes like adding in new challenges, finally letting people play as Luigi, revised graphics and even a multiplayer mode are great.
However, you might notice something a bit weird… you start as Yoshi.
The same green dino who you got to see in the original by nabbing 120 stars and beating bowser for the 3rd time is a starting character. So, who’s going to be in its place? Well, gathering 150 stars this time round and using the cannon will net you… nothing, except the last Rabbit for Luigi’s minigame?
Are you kidding, Nintendo.