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IN HONOR OF ‘IT CHAPTER TWO’ A LOOK AT 16 OF THE SCARIEST CLOWNS IN VIDEO GAMES –

1

Sony/Quantic Dream

Let’s just put all the cards, canaries and balloons on the table here; I’m not a fan of clowns. With IT Chapter Two about to give us nightmares, I just want to come clean, I’m not a fan. So, thinking I could just avoid movies that have clowns in them, I turned to video games. Bad idea.Those permanent-smiling fuckers are there too.

2

Sony/Quantic Dream

The Clown

Heavy Rain

Jason is one of the saddest characters in the game. He’s abandoned by his dad in a shopping mall, and the last person he talks to, is this disturbing clown.HIs last moments include a balloon, an unsettling feeling in his stomach and a tragic accident that his dad can’t save him from. Personally, I blame the clown.

3

Sony Interactive Entertainment

Needles Kane

Twisted Metal

Also known as “Sweet Tooth” (which is actually the name of his truck), this psychopathic and murderous clown is a nightmare.He’s got a flaming head, a permanently fixed clown mask and is a serial killer. So, it’s gonna be a no from me, for my kid’s birthday party.

4

Square

Kefka

Final Fantasy 6

This guy is a dick. He’s a maniac, short-tempered, insanely flamboyant, destructive and cruel. While most of the villains in the Final Fantasy series have been cold and calculating, Kefka is a pure psychopath who’s unpredictable and certifiably insane.So, like every other clown, essentially.

5

WMS Industries

Kinky Pinky

NARC

With a name like that, you know these clowns aren’t family friendly. This 1988 game was the first time a terrifying circus member scared gamers. But not only are they frightening looking, they’re also nearly indestructible.They’ll rush you with knives, and you’ll empty a clip into them, and they’ll keep on coming. A perforated clown with a knife is a shit-stain inducing sight.

6

Valve Corporation

Zombie Clowns

Left 4 Dead 2

You know what’s more terrifying than a clown? A Zombie Clown. Not only is clown make-up and a perma-grin already giving you the creeps, they’re also braindead monsters in squeaky shoes.They’re also a pain in the ass. They’ll charge you and draw attention, attracting other zombies. Then they claw, kick and punch you until you’re tender enough to eat.That’s two strikes.

7

Capcom

Adam the Clown

Dead Rising

You know what else is scary? A clown with two chainsaws. In this game, one of the worst bosses is Adam; a dude who’s gone insane in the face of a zombie apocalypse.Plus, the whole ‘chasing you through an abandoned shopping mall’ is pretty scary and will turn you off of clowns, malls and going outside altogether.

8

Sega

Ronald McDonald

McDonalds Treasure Land Adventure

Normally, I wouldn’t go as far as say that Ronald is scary, but in this game, he looks like blood-thirsty predator, stalking kids to make into Big Macs.Not every pixelated cartoon character can look child-friendly in a video game. There’s just something about him that gives me the heebie jeebies.

9

Sega

Donbalon

Nights: Journey of Dreams

This balloon/clown/jester hybrid is a nightmare. He appears at the end of the level and gets extra creepy points for stalking you through a creepy circus-style arena and fighting you with spindly arms that have giant hands on them.Fuck no.

10

Bloober Team

Unicycling Clown

Basement Crawl

This game’s got a baby clown that looks old, riding a unicycle, holding a joystick, who blows stuff up.That’s more than enough for me. Especially because he comes out of nowhere, in this gothic settings.

11

Square Enix

Dhoulmagus

Dragon Quest: Journey of the Cursed King

Unlike the rest of the creeps on this list, Dhoulmagus is more of a jester than anything, but he’s still a jerk. He’s a tough boss, uses three forms to defeat you and laughs at his own jokes.Plus, his last form is that of a demon, which proves that all clowns are devil spawn.

12

Interplay Productions

Bonker

Clay Fighter 63 1/3

There’s nothing worse than a depressed clown. Bonker’s in this game to get revenge on anyone who’s ever laughed at him. He’s insane, has a permanent scowl, a depressing voice and an arsenal of pies, cannons and Mallets.Sad clowns are somehow scarier than the angry ones.

13

Rocksteady/WB

The Joker

Batman: Arkham Asylum

He’s obviously going to be on the list. He’s both intelligent enough to take over the entire prison and trap Batman inside, but crazy enough to be dangerous, unpredictable and a serious threat.Plus, Mark Hamill’s voice is perfection when it comes to portraying “Mista J.”

14

THQ

Doink the Clown

WWE SmackDown vs. Raw 2009

The fact that this is an actual wresting schtick is even scarier, but I can handle the real guy. HIs digital avatar is unsettling though.It’s the bright face and dead eyes. That’s what does it for me.

15

Eidos Interactive

Insane Clown Posse

Backyard Wrestling 2: There Goes the Neighbourhood

This game was a godsend for Juggalos everywhere and a nightmare for everyone else.But it least it had appearances by Terra Patrick and Sunrise Adams to keep us entertained. Fuck those clowns though.

16

Nintendo

Mad Clown

Super Punch Out

He’s a big, fat clown that can kick your ass, and he looks depressed while doing it.He’s not necessarily creepy, per se, but why’s a clown boxing anyway?

17

This guy turns my pants into polka dots too. Polka dots of fear.

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