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NOSTALGIA OVERLOAD FROM THE SPORTS GAMES WE PLAYED AS KIDS –

1

2K Play

Making a sports video game can be pretty hit or miss sometimes. In the majority of cases, you get the rights to the leagues and likenesses of the players, the mechanics work and the gameplay is solid.Then, you’re laughing all the way to the bank and have a great sports video game classic on the books.But sometimes, developers are possessed with an idea so ridiculous and odd, that they know it’s gonna be a money-maker, despite how random the premise is. These games, are those examples.They might be fun, silly and nostalgic, but they’re also a pretty screwy combination of elements that don’t always work.

2

Millennium Interactive

Brutal Sports Football

Atari Jaguar

If you love your football mixed in with mythology and decapitations, this was your jam. With teams called The Thugs, Slayers, Warlocks and Goats, you got to use axes, beheadings, stomping and rabbit eating, to get ahead in the game and score a touchdown. Oh, and there’s the possibility to use an opponents severed head as a weapon to cave in someone else’s. Nice.It was a brutal game, with challenging gameplay and controls, but good to help you get your violent tendencies out. Still though, what the fuck was Atari thinking?

3

Razor Soft

Jerry Glanville’s Pigskin Footbrawl

Sega Genesis/Super Nintendo

Similar to the previous game, this is a chance for gamers to get out aggression on the field, by using weapons to get the touchdown.Originally an arcade game called Pigskin 621 A.D., you got to pit two teams of Medieval warriors against one another, for control of the Pigskin.Along the way, there were deadly obstacles, weapons, fighting and death. Definitely not something you want your school-aged child to be playing, unsupervised in the basement.

4

Hudson Soft

Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball

Super Nintendo

For all intents and purposes, this is a shit game, with no purpose. Other’s might tell you some of its redeeming qualities, but fuck them. This was a waste of your allowance if you bought it.This game was supposed to be a futuristic version of basketball, with drab grey arenas, robots and jet-pack assisted jumps and bombs. But it’s still boring.Plus you can’t overlook the bad sound effects, bad music, slow action, bad cameras and meh gameplay. Plus, who the fuck is Bill Laimbeer?

5

EA

Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City

Super Nintendo

As a kid, when you hear that Michael Jordan’s got a new game for SNES, I bet you got pumped. Well, save it. This is a Jordan, side-scrolling action game.This 2D platformer has the gamer controlling Jordan, who has to collect keys and defeat enemies to save his All-Star teammates from a mad scientist. You can attack enemies with various types of basketballs (freeze ball, bomb ball, etc…) and slam dunk on the enemies for additional power ups.While it holds generally positive reviews, it’s also a very confusing premise.

6

Tales of Game’s Studios

Barkley: Shut up and Jam: Gaiden

Various

Technically, this one is a fan-made freeware game, but it’s too fucked up to omit. It’s basically a DND-styled RPG game where you control Barkley and his allies in an apocalyptic world where basketball is outlawed.You fight cybernetic versions of other NBA superstars, as well as hellish monsters and seek out something called the Hell B-Ball, which is what the MonStars used inSpace Jam to steal powers.Honestly, what?

7

Irem Corporation

Ninja Baseball Bat Man

Arcade

So this one isn’t really about baseball. In fact, it’s a baseball-themed beat-em-up brawler. And that’s ok. You get to handle a baseball bat, take on giant baseballs and catcher’s mitts with faces on them. All to recover items stolen from the Baseball Hall of Fame.I mean, as a game, it’s fun. But it’s still a ridiculous concept, even for kids.

8

2K Play

Nicktoons MLB

Various

If you’ve ever wanted to play baseball as a Nickelodeon cartoon character, you need to own this game, especially while playing on Kinect. It’s the drunk party game you never knew you needed.There’s something about SpongeBob and Patrick, sharing a field with the baseball greats, that really makes me smile. For sheer fun, this game’s alright.But it’s still a ludicrous idea in the first place.

9

Electronic Arts

Mutant League Hockey

Various

Much like the football version of this game, you’ve got robots, undead skeletons, and trolls, with the aliens and superhumans removed for some reason.Much like the original, you’ve got hazards such as exploding pucks, spikes on the boards, land mines, holes and bribes, as well as fatal fights. Oh, and a demon goalie that explodes with you score on him.That’s not an overreaction. This game is pretty fun and enjoyable, and frankly, you can’t really find a truly fucked up hockey game that’s a shit time to play. But, the beautiful game needs some representation on this list, just because I’m Canadian.

10

Midway Games

NHL Hits 2003

Various

I only include this because it takes all the best elements of hockey and distills it down to a quick and dirty game. From the 3-on-3 play, shortened periods and exaggerated violence, it’s fun little nugget of NHL.I just include it because it’s such a snackable way to hit your favourite elements of hockey in a gaming session.

11

Pandora Box

Battle Soccer: Field no Hasha

Super Famicom

Frankly, this sounds like the most super-powered Japanese soccer game out there. With your choice of major Japanese franchise characters such as Godzilla, Ultraman, Kamen Rider, and Gundam, it’s a free-for-all of ultra-violence and exaggerated gestures.The gameplay is pretty standard and not really much to write home about, but I’ve got it in this post because honestly a match between Godzilla/Rodan and various iterations of Ultraman is pretty fantastical.

12

Bandai

Ribbit King Golf

Nintendo GameCube

This is a weird one. You play as a person-thing or as a picnic basket, and you have to hit catapults filled with frogs, with a mallet. The goal is to navigate a course filled with flies, hazards and points, to get the frog in the hole. Also, the frog will hop upon landing, and that all depends on your frog’s stamina, your swing and other factors.Also, it’s not called golf, but Frolf. Interesting.Only Nintendo could come up with a premise like this and have it be moderately successful.

13

Atari

Ninja Golf

Atari 7800

Is this game weird? Yes. But is it addictive and insanely fun. Also yes. You get to play as a ninja who drives the ball, then has to run towards it. Then, in a typical side-scrolling fashion, you have to fight enemies along the way that include other ninjas, gophers, birds, giant mutant frogs, sharks and snakes.It’s just fucked up enough to work as a time killer.

14

Midway

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Zombie Ninja Pro-Am

Playstation 2

If a regular golf game is too boring for ya, then this is what you should be checking out. It’s a hybrid Kart Racing/Fighting/Golf game that takes place in New Jersey.Much like Ninja Golf, you drive the ball, then you fight your way to it, taking on Carl’s giant crabs, brownie monsters, Turkitron, etc… Then, at the hole, you need to defeat a boss, in order to putt.Then, there’s some golf cart racing levels that involve a bazooka. All in all, a pretty fun game if you’re into the Aqua Teen franchise.

15

Gamecock Media Group

Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball

Xbox 360/Wii

This deadly combo takes the field to see which group is superior. You can also choose to play as zombies and robots too, if that’s your thing.Generally, this isn’t a good game, and should be played for the novelty of being a pirate or a ninja and reliving your worst days of elementary school gym class.

16

Data East USA

Caveman Ughlympics/Games

Commodore 64/NES

This prehistoric game is composed of 6 events: outracing a hungry sabre tooth tiger, wife-tossing, fire making, clubbing, dino racing and pole vaulting over a T-Rex.It sounds pretty sketchy, but it’s a well received game. Still, the whole ‘wife tossing’ thing in prehistoric times makes me a little uncomfortable.

17

Simon & Schuster Interactive

Outlaw Golf

Various

If generic or themed golf games aren’t for you, then this mature version might be. Who wouldn’t want to play a golf game as a stripper, hippie, biker, redneck or dominatrix? Plus, there’s some sexy elements, punching, and a shit ton of swearing, for fuck’s sake.The cherry on top is that the commentary is provided by Steve Carrell.

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