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Tarantula Is A ‘Hero’ Who Eliminates Bad Guys And Harasses the Good Guys

Photo:  DC Comics/Amazon/Fair Use

A lesser-known DC Comics character, Catalina Marie Flores is a former FBI agent who took up the mantle of the superhero Tarantula to bring some order to Blüdhaven, a city easily as crime-ridden as Gotham. As Tarantula, Flores meted out justice that was a little more extreme than the typical crimefighter, and this put her at odds with the city’s primary defender, Nightwing, who was Batman’s first Robin.

Despite Nightwing forbidding her from operating in Blüdhaven and having her arrested for murder, Tarantula had a major crush on him and continually tried to please him. Thinking she could make him happy, Tarantula kills his major nemesis, Blockbuster, in cold blood. Then, she proceeds to force herself on Nightwing’s beaten, battered body. He weakly begs, “Don’t touch me!”

Photo:  Image Comics/Amazon/Fair Use

In the comic book universe of Bomb Queen, the supervillains won. At least, they managed to win one big victory by completely taking over New Port City before they turned on each other, leaving Bomb Queen as the supreme ruler of the city. Under her rule, crime is allowed in various designated zones, so the city has become a haven for violent, sadistic perverts who look to her as a savior of sorts. The government even works with her to an extent, because crime throughout the country continues to drop as the lawless flock to New Port City.

Besides appeasing her “constituents” with the criminal excesses and flourishing economy of New Port City, powered by laundered money and vice, Bomb Queen also keeps them placated with frequent peep shows. She constantly falls out of her skimpy outfit and releases her own porn videos to the masses. Hyper-violent and hyper-sexual, Bomb Queen is easily the most libidinous sociopathic supervillain ever depicted in a mainstream comic book. While technically a villain, Bomb Queen is really an anti-hero, because she’s saved the lives of countless New Porters during her various adventures.

Photo:  Marvel Comics/Amazon/Fair Use

Everyone knows the Hulk, but when they think of him it’s about his green skin, fits of rage, unlimited strength, and incredible healing factor. Most people don’t know that he has also been gray-skinned, quite cerebral, and something of a horn dog over the years. Having a libido to match his muscles makes sense, considering he was created as a Mr. Hyde-esque examination of a runaway id in superhero form.

Hulk’s alter-ego, Bruce Banner, had a long relationship with Betty Ross, whom he eventually married. When Betty (now estranged from Banner) develops superpowers and becomes the scarlet-hued Red She-Hulk, Hulk lets his freak flag fly. In Indestructible Hulk #7.1, Hulk gets drunk and winds up in a physical altercation with Red She-Hulk. Then, after they defeat the villain Orb together, they get naked and have sex right in front Orb!

That’s still pretty pedestrian compared to what the Hulk gets up to with his cousin, Jennifer Walters, AKA She-Hulk. In 2000’s Incredible Hulk Annual, the Hulk goes on a hormone-induced rampage through Central Park. Vision realizes that Hulk is smashing stuff to impress a suitable mate. When She-Hulk shows up to stop him, she gets the vibe right away and turns him down. His rampage ends, as does the story, but not Hulk’s quest to knock boots with his cousin. In the now-classic Old Man Logan miniseries, Hulk and She-Hulk hook up and spawn a whole family of inbred, mutant Hulks.

Other sex-crazy versions of the Hulk include the Ultimate Universe Hulk, who keeps a harem of bikini-clad sex slaves in a hidden mountain palace. There’s also the future world-conquering Hulk known as the Maestro, who has a harem containing both men and women on Battleworld.

Photo:  Marvel Comics/Amazon/Fair Use

Hank Pym, AKA Ant-Man, had a hard time dealing with his divorce to Janet van Dyne. He even contemplated suicide. Later, when Janet is believed dead, Hank takes the name Wasp and joins the second incarnation of the Mighty Avengers along with Jocasta, an Ultron-created feminine robot imbued with Janet van Dyne’s life force. Hank gets a little too Westworld with Jocasta and is caught kissing her by the Avengers’ stalwart butler Jarvis. That “relationship” ends when Jocasta marries Ultron as part of a deal to end his battle with the Mighty Avengers.

Later, when it’s revealed that Janet is not actually dead but merely shunted into a micro-verse, Hank tries to rekindle the romance with his ex-wife by engaging in some super-freaky sex. In Avengers, Vol. 3 #71, Janet is shown writhing in ecstasy as she says, “Hank, please! No… more.” You don’t see Hank until Janet lifts up the sheet to reveal that he shrunk down to Ant-Man size to do, uh, something to her vagina. The sequence ends with Hank saying, “All right, Jan, your turn.” So… what exactly was Hank doing? Was his whole body inside her? Is that fun? Was he just using her labia as a speedbag?

Photo: Marvel Comics/Amazon/Fair Use

Wanda Maximoff, AKA Scarlet Witch, has dated Angel and Wonder Man and been cozy with Captain America, but her longest relationship was with the “synthezoid” Avenger the Vision. Vision’s body was created by the diabolical robot Ultron, and his mind was patterned after Wonder Man’s. Wanda and the Vision have a long relationship that culminates in marriage and the conception – with a little help from her hex powers – of twin boys named Thomas and William, who later become the Young Avengers Speed and Wiccan, respectively.

As messed up and Westworld-y as her relationship with the Vision is, it’s the relationship with her twin brother, Pietro, AKA Quicksilver, that is really disturbing. In the Ultimate Universe, Wanda and Pietro are shown to be creepily close siblings in The Ultimates and The Ultimates 2. In The Ultimates 3, however, they are revealed to be involved in an incestuous relationship with each other. It’s confirmed by the ever pervy Wolverine, who watches them get it on from the bushes. Oh, and he might be their dad in the Ultimate Universe, which makes this already horrifying scene even worse.

The Pro Deflowers A Hero And Uses Her Powers On The ‘Job’
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The Pro doesn’t have the name recognition of Wolverine or Superman, but like those heroes she is a crazy sexual deviant (with a live-action movie). Originally published as a one-shot prestige format comic book by Image Comics, The Pro stars one of the most unlikely heroes ever: a single mother who works at a fast food restaurant by day and turns tricks as a prostitute at night.

In an effort to help humanity evolve more quickly so it can join the “glorious alliance of superior beings,” an alien grants the Pro superpowers while she sleeps (he’s also a total voyeuristic perv). After learning she has superpowers, the Pro is approached by a Justice League knock-off and offered membership. She reluctantly joins them on a mission to stop a team of super villains, but afterwards she returns to the street, where she dishes out punishment against a john who was abusing working girls and makes a stack of cash using her powers to perform fellatio a thousand times in one night.

When the squeaky clean Superman stand-in known as the Saint confronts her about her use of superpowers for “intimate activity,” the Pro decides to show him what sex is all about and gives him an earth-shattering pleasure that causes his “release” to down an airliner. The heroes are disgusted with her behavior, but they still call on her to help stop a terrorist attack. The Pro agrees and sacrifices herself to fly the terrorist’s nuclear bomb into space (10 years before Iron Man did the same thing in The Avengers).

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Wolverine’s penchant for redheads is well known, but in Ultimate Spider-Man #66-67 it gets creepy when the object of his affections is a 15-year-old girl. Ticked off that the very adult Logan keeps hitting on her, a teenage Jean Grey (another redhead) does a little mind-body swap trick to teach him a lesson, putting Logan’s mind into the body of 15-year-old Peter Parker and vice versa. While in Peter’s young body, the ancient Logan gawks at high school cheerleaders, kisses Mary Jane, and even attempts to get more physical with her, prompting her to ask Peter: “That thing you tried to do this morning, can we not do that till we’re older?”

You might say, “Well, that was Wolverine in the Ultimate Universe, surely normal Wolverine is a fine, upstanding mutant.” Well, the “regular” Wolverine also had a little something-something with someone waaaaay too young for him. In New Avengers, Vol. 2 #7, Wolverine, now a member of the Avengers, has a bristly encounter with teenage hero Squirrel Girl and it’s implied that they had a romantic past. This creepy implication is confirmed in Wolverine #8 when Squirrel Girl shows up in a red room in Wolverine’s subconscious labeled “Sexual Fantasies.” That would be gross if Wolverine was the age he looked, but the fact that he’s much older makes it unspeakably foul.

As Seen In: Marvel Comics Presents, The New Avengers

Photo: Marvel Comics/Amazon/Fair Use

As a member of the X-Men, Angel dedicated his life to making the world a safer place for mutants. But as a businessman and the owner of Worthington Industries, mutants are a commodity worth exploiting. In Uncanny X-Men (Vol. I) #399, it’s revealed that Angel owns the X-Ranch, a high-end brothel that specializes in mutant prostitutes like the obese mutant Bette, who uses her pheromone-based powers to stimulate her customers, and another mutant who uses her control of plants to pleasure her customers.

Besides the brothel, which Worthington didn’t initially know he owned, Angel has a bit of a fetish for voyeuristic sex. In Uncanny X-Men (Vol. I) #440, Angel, then 31, visits the rural Kentucky home of the 19-year-old mutant Paige Guthrie, AKA Husk. Her ability is to reveal a new layer of “powered” skin – rubber, stone, steel – by peeling off her regular skin layer. It’s exactly as gross as it sounds. The two become romantically connected after Angel saves Husk’s life using his healing ability.

After first telling Husk’s mother he is attempting to distance himself, Angel and Husk share a kiss and then fly into the air above the Guthrie house. Angel strips off his clothes, Husk loses a layer of skin, and the two have inappropriate-age-gap airborne sex right above Nightcrawler and Husk’s mom (which, wow, what?), among others.

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Superman is often called the “Big Blue Boy Scout” because of his strong moral character and unwavering quest for justice. Even discounting the time Superman made a porno with his friend’s wife because he was mind-controlled, there are many, many stories of Superman behaving in a less-than-honorable way sexually, including with his own relatives.

The earliest freaky Superman sex story occurs in Action Comics #289. After a bizarre time-traveling adventure in which Superman’s 16-year-old cousin, Supergirl, tries to become “Sidekick of the Year,” Superman reveals that he will never be happy with another woman because he’s secretly in love with her. While gazing into her eyes, Superman tells his underage cousin that, while it might be okay in some places on Earth, “marriage of cousins was unlawful” on Krypton. To help her cousin, Supergirl finds an older, alternate reality version of herself for Superman to make out with, while she watches with her super-vision.

Later in the same series, in Action Comics #306, Clark Kent is a little perturbed when Lois Lane mocks his ability to get his game on. Kent thinks, “I’ll teach this minx a lesson,” and plants a super-kiss on Lois that literally makes her dizzy. As Lois catches her breath, Clark brags about his “hidden talent” while thinking about how she would pass out cold if she knew he was Superman.

In the 21st century, as part of the New 52 initiative, the Superman-Lois romance was put on the back burner so a younger Superman could hook up with Wonder Woman. It was all pretty PG, but leave it to Frank Miller to take it to the next level. In The Dark Knight Strikes Again, Wonder Woman tries to console Superman, who is feeling a little impotent because Batman beat him up. The pair have airborne sex and their literally earth-shaking climaxes cause a volcano to erupt and a tsunami to pummel the West Coast, likely resulting in the deaths of thousands of innocents.

Apparently, the Big Blue Boy Scout was a little pent up, because Wonder Woman then replies, “Goodness, Mr. Kent, you could populate a planet.” That’s… that’s not a visual anyone needs.

Mr. Hyde Assaults The Invisible Man
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Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen put a unique twist on a super-team comic book by drawing its members from fictional characters of the 19th and early 20th century, a kind of Justice League of Victorian England. The original roster included famous fictional characters like Allan Quatermain, Captain Nemo, the Invisible Man, and Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, among others.

During a Martian invasion (inspired by H.G. Wells’s The War of the Worlds), the Invisible Man betrays the League to the Martians and sexually assaults League member Wilhelmina Murray. Due to his infrared vision, Mr. Hyde is aware of the Invisible Man’s duplicitous actions and tracks him down in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Vol. 2) #5.

Wearing a tuxedo and putting out a few bottles of “fine wines,” Mr. Hyde commands the Invisible Man to “get on the floor” and prepare for some “romance.” Mr. Hyde then has non-consensual anal sex with the Invisible Man. To death. As Mr. Hyde sits down to nonchalantly enjoy a meal with the League, blood becomes visible on his tuxedo and all over the tablecloth. The implication is that the Invisible Man has died as a result of the rape.

The Cast Of ‘The Boys’ Is Full Of Deviants
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It’s not surprising that DC Comics imprint Wildstorm greenlit Garth Ennis’s The Boys, considering the long list of successful adult-oriented comic books like HellblazerPreacher, and Hitman. It’s also not surprising that Wildstorm pulled the plug on the series after just six issues, because The Boys deconstructs and subverts superheroes in a harshly violent, sexually sadistic, and misogynistic manner.

The premise of the series, set between 2006 and 2008, is that superheroes have become corrupted by fame and are all pretty much egomaniacs with poor impulse control. Because of this, a CIA squad of superpowered agents called “the Boys” is tasked with monitoring their activities and keeping them in line, using extreme prejudice when necessary. The source of most superpowers in this universe is Compound V, which was created by the Nazis. There is also a low-powered version called Blue, which is Compound V mixed with cocaine. It gives a single-dose high, and is often used by prostitutes so that they can survive sex with superheroes.

Here are just a few examples of the sexual behavior in the series: The Butcher, the leader of the Boys, frequently engages in violent, domineering anal sex with Susan Rayner, head of the CIA; The Homelander, a schizophrenic Superman-Captain America analogue, commits rape and necrophilia against men, women, and children; Starlight, the newest recruit to the super-team The Seven, performs oral sex on all of the members to gain her membership on the team; Tek-Knight, a highly homophobic “hero,” develops a tumor that compels him to have sex with anyone and anything. Pick it up if you’re into that sort of thing.

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In his long history as the superhero Green Lantern, Hal Jordan has saved the world, and even the galaxy, on numerous occasions. But he’s also done some pretty terrible things, like kill his friends in an effort to resurrect the dead. While his sex life isn’t nearly as twisted as his power-mad time as Parallax, Hal has had to utter the words, “I have to show them I’m not a child molester!” So, yeah, he’s got issues there, too.

We were first introduced to the object of Hal’s inappropriate affections, Green Lantern Arisia Rrab, in Tales of the Green Lantern Corps #1. The petite, gold-skinned Green Lantern from Graxos IV is only 13 years old when she first meets Hal Jordan, but she immediately crushes on him in a big way. When she’s stationed in Sector 2814 with “big brother” Hal, “little sister” Arisia subconsciously uses her ring to age herself into a grown woman. Initially, Hal resists, telling her, “You’re still a teenager in my eyes — and I don’t date teenagers!”

Only a handful of issues later, the two are trapped in a cave and Hal notices Arisia’s body. Arisia says that she’s not going to throw herself at Hal again, but by the end of the issue the two are making out, much to the surprise and disgust of several of their fellow Green Lanterns. Things cool off a bit for a few more issues until Hal and Arisia inadvertently get drunk and decide they don’t care about the whole her-being-a-minor-in-an-adult’s-body thing and go home together. The pair end up dating and living together for two years – or, until Arisia is 16 years old – until Hal starts acting like a total jerk and Arisia calls it quits in Action Comics #620.

As Seen In: Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, The Brave and the Bold

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Though she’s often deified by comic book fans because she was a founding member of the X-Men, Jean Grey is far from saintly. Despite being romantically linked – and eventually married – to Cyclops for most of her adult life, Jean has frequently flirted with and even had brief dalliances with Wolverine from their first encounter. No, swapping kisses and sweaty naked hugs with Wolverine doesn’t qualify as deviant, but Jean makes up for her lack of physical sex with crazy forays into the mind.

In Uncanny X-Men #394, we are introduced to a young mutant named Warp Savant who launches an attack onto the same military base that Magneto attacked way back in X-Men #1. The X-Men attack and Jean and Wolverine are transported into the angry teenager’s subconscious. As Cyclops and Archangel move into battle, Warp Savant decides to end his life, and the internal world in which Jean and Wolverine are located starts to fade. Thinking the end is near, Jean and Wolverine decide to make out. Remember, they’re inside the mind of a dying teenager. Deviant sex? Not really. Messed up? Definitely! The psychic kiss is pretty much the beginning of the end of Cyclops and Jean’s relationship.

Jean’s also not afraid to get freaky beyond the grave. After Jean’s death, Cyclops loses the will to live and the X-Men fall apart, a falling domino that leads to a terrible future. In the future, a Phoenix Force egg is found and an aspect of Jean emerges, disturbed by the state of the world. She realizes that everything went wrong when Cyclops couldn’t get past her death and find love again, so she sends a message back through time telling him to give Emma Frost a chance. The pair end up making out on Jean’s grave thanks to her psychic prodding.

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We can all agree that lying to someone about what you do for a living in order to trick them into dating you is pretty rotten. But tricking someone into thinking you’re human so you can sleep with them (when you’re really their pet)? That’s not only creepy, but downright disgusting. Enter: Comet the Super-Horse.

The details of Comet becoming Supergirl’s pet super-steed in Action Comics #292 are a bit too convoluted to get into here, but what matters is that Comet is not actually a horse at all, but a centaur named Biron, who was turned into a full horse by the evil Circe thousands of years ago. Using his telepathic ability, Comet explains his convoluted origin to Supergirl. Regardless, she goes right on wrapping her bare thighs across his back and riding off to adventure with her “pet.”

While “owning” a pet that you know is really a half-human, half-animal hybrid is questionable behavior, Biron/Comet does Supergirl one worse by not telling her he also turns into a full human whenever a mystical comet passes by the Earth. In Action Comics #301, Biron/Comet becomes human and develops amnesia. He takes on the persona of rodeo star “Bronco” Bill Starr and starts a romance with Supergirl that continues even after his memory has returned.

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Namor the Sub-Mariner dates all the way back to 1939, just one year after Superman debuted. Yet Marvel writers (and fans) don’t give him a fraction of the respect DC writers give to the Man of Steel. One portrayal of the character, in Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 2) #8, sees the X-Men attempt to help a race of creatures that are having a bad reaction, akin to cancer, to sunlight.

Meanwhile, Namor attempts to broker peace with the strange sea creatures by taking their leader, the River Queen (a nasty tentacle beast right out of Ridley Scott’s Alien), into a private chamber to seal the deal with inter-species sex. As the young Hope sees them kiss, she asks, “You didn’t… you didn’t really imperius sex her,” to which Namor responds, “A mere gentleman does not tell. A king is far more discreet,” before bragging about his “cosmopolitan” taste in women.

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Despite the fact she is one of only a handful of female comic book characters to get her own solo live-action movie, not very many people know about Tank Girl. Created by writer Alan Martin and artist Jamie Hewlett, Tank Girl is a British comic book set in a post-apocalyptic Australia that centers on the exploits of Rebecca Buck, who lives in a tank and works as a bounty hunter/troubleshooter for a shadowy organization before being branded an outlaw.

Besides drinking too much, Tank Girl’s other vices include spitting, farting, nose-picking, cursing (her first words as a baby were “cauliflower penis”), and fornicating. Her main squeeze is Booga, a giant mutant kangaroo, which makes their relationship an “inter-species romance,” AKA full-on bestiality. In fact, a post-coital scene of Tank Girl and Booga in bed appeared in the 1995 movie starring Lori Petty, but has been cut from all subsequent releases of the movie for being “too bestial.” If you’re curious, you can still see the scene on YouTube.

As Seen In: Tank Girl

Aviax Does Dinos
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Debuting way back in December 1968, the Wanderers are one of the oldest superhero teams from one of the Big Two comic book publishers that you’ve probably never even heard of until now. The team operates in the 30th Century, and formed a few years before the famous Legion of Super-Heroes, who became their allies. The Wanderers were a guest star team until after Crisis on Infinite Earths, when the second incarnation of the team had their own, short-lived series.

One of the members in this iteration is Aviax (formerly Ornitho, of the first team of Wanderers), who has the ability to transform into any type of bird he can imagine. In The Wanderers #12, the team encounters a world populated by dinosaurs on the verge of extinction due to a deadly radioactive fog. Aviax, who is immune to radiation, decides that the only way to save the population is for him to mate with one of them in the hopes of creating radiation-resistant babies. While the team actually watches, Aviax transforms himself into a proto-bird and does the dirty deed with a female dino. After, he doesn’t even stick around to see if his crazy interspecies sexcapade worked. So you kind of have to assume he was just in it for the dino sex.

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